James can be reached at TwinFreaks CrossFit, where he is an owner and trainer. James coaches barbell lifting classes and CrossFit classes. Contact him by email at james@twinfreakscrossfit.com or by phone at 720-204-2631.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Form, Function & Traffic Cones

I said quite a while ago now, publicly, that I am going to get ape shit fuck jacked at least one more time in my life, so that's what I'm doing.

I make a lot of jokes about eating bear claws constantly, so I want to say, again publicly, that I average less than two a month.  That said I've found bear claws to be among the most androgenic substances legal.

Androgenic by the way refers to a hormone or compound that controls male characteristics; if you get enough androgens, you quit CrossFit, get rid of your ridiculous little two-door, four cylinder car, start squatting heavy, and keep conditioning work under ten minutes.

Actually I've never owned a carlet, but the squatting and conditioning are exactly what I'm doing.  I go to the gym six days a week.  Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday are pure lifting days, and those sessions take me about twenty minutes.  Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are lifting followed by conditioning, and those are about forty minute sessions.

The lifting is abbreviated, and that is because I have built a decent level of strength - as one should - and I am trying only to maintain as much 1rm strength as possible while I pursue other goals.

I eat mainly meat and root vegetables with the occasional bear claw, stack of pancakes, or Reeces Peanut Butter Cup.  I don't bother to weigh or measure anything currently.

Beyond that I train as much Brazilian jiu jitsu in a week as my body can sustain, which sadly seems to be only a few hours.

And all this is because I am training to function as a World Senior BJJ Champion in October.

I really don't care what I look like.  Everything now, except I suppose the bear claws, pancakes, and peanut butter cups, is directed towards performance.

It's a work in progress of course, but I am starting to get ape shit fuck jacked as a side effect of training to perform.

The worst thing in the picture is the liquid soap. My crew and I have discovered that using Lava exclusively raises 1rm.

And it is, perhaps, funny that the people who know what they're talking about have been preaching this form and function thing for years, and almost everyone keep blowing it

So despite the androgens, I keep going back to my stupid menial job.

A couple anecdotes from today:

Awesome Co-worker II told me that Spherical Co-Worker was trying to lose weight.  Apparently Awesome Co-Worker II and some others advised her to quit eating tortillas and drinking soda.  Spherical Co-Worker said that she can't quit eating tortillas and that she only has a little soda because she dilutes it with water.

I said, "well, maybe she'll be a little morbidly obese."

Then while Awesome Co-Worker II, who really is a good kid and at least considers what I tell her, and I continued to talk about diet, Stupid Co-Worker interrupted and said, "I don't get it.  According to you, you can't eat anything.

I replied, "Stupid Co-Worker, you incomparable buffoon, when have I ever advocated eating nothing?"

And I just don't understand these negative, part Humans who abdicate volition and are powerless to do anything.

I looked at their forms and thought that if they would wear orange they would function quite well as traffic cones.


  1. I greatly enjoy your blog! What do you do during your 10 minutes of conditioning?

  2. Hi Anon. Among other influences I count Coach Rutherford from Max Effort Black Box http://www.bootcampfitnesskc.com/about/history/
    so we draw from a fairly small pool of crossfit like workouts. I like to keep the movements low skill and high power output, so we do tons of pull ups, push ups, and burpees. We're big fans of the kettlebell swing, and lately we have been loving farmers walk variations. In short I don't make conditioning an ordeal. Choose two or three low skill high power output movements, start the clock and go like a maniac.

  3. Wow! Thanks for your quick response, and thanks for the follow up post as well! I look forward to reading more of your posts!